My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.