No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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Skills
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.