Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.