A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.