That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station