5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I love it all
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains