[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My ideal weight is five million dollars