So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Spring of Deception
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..