*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”
My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*
*Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!