@permawedgie

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

@permawedgie

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

@permawedgie

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@permawedgie

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

@permawedgie

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@permawedgie

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@permawedgie

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.