My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
You Might Also Like
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
The two types of wives
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: