Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
God has abandoned us.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.