Investing in beetcoin
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.