“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
not to brag, but mine was free
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I ate everything, including the H.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be