Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me