everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!