For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.