*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.