Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Knock Knock
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?