NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: Go ahead.
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet