@theshantilly

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@theshantilly

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

@theshantilly

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

@theshantilly

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet