Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.