just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends