Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me