@zachreinert0

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@zachreinert0

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@zachreinert0

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@zachreinert0

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@zachreinert0

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

@zachreinert0

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@zachreinert0

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@zachreinert0

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

@zachreinert0

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

@zachreinert0

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something