My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen