Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
When your diet is finally over.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself