(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
#parenting
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili