“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.