I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream