That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Found the job I’m suited for
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Am I having a stroke?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.