My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here