JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
![]()
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes