I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi