me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon