A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back