According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.