[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
In banana years, I am bread.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
oppen heimer style lol
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.