“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.