Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.