If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.