My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”