me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
sliding into dms like
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.