[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
San Francisco has too many rules
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