If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*