POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
As the Lord intended
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little