Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny