It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!