If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]