HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”