My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol