I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.